jm

been a long time....

day 4

why does it seems like life has been unfair to me??? there are only few things ive always dreamt of and most likely none would come true..

i wait for you day and night not knowing if youre coming back... it hurts more as days go by... i hate myself for this...

day 3

its the 3rd day... and the feeling hasnt changed a bit... chest pains, i cant barely breathe.... i waited to shouted, i wanted to get drunk or smoke a pack of cigarrette just to release this...  i have realized today that i have my faults and that i needed to do something about it... how will i start?? im hurt.. hurting tremendously..

day 2

the feelings hasnt changed... the pain is extreme, it be  feels like hell still... oh dear God help me to overcome this give me strength to surpass what i am going through....

i was able to share to my close friends but i cant share all the emotions i feel inside,,, i know they feel for me ...


i made it to work but still spaced out...

how???

day 1

today i woke up still feeling devastated and experiencing chest pains. there are so many questions in my heart. i have concluded that yes its true that love hurts. it can destroy you and your whole being. spending years with someone and suddenly waking up you have lost the person is disaster. it kills me... makes me weap because everywhere i look it reminds me of him. i hate myself because i cannot fight the feeling

yesterday i almost got hit by a car crossing the street spaced out doesn't help.. i try to be strong. i dont wanna discuss these things to any of my friends. i dont want them see me mourn but God please help me. the whole day at work i have been a pain in the ass.

i hurt, i extremely hurt. i wanna heal, i want to forget, i wanna move on because i know you wont come back ever again.. how can i start? how do i deal with myself? how will i answer the thousand whys in me?

tears

it hurts like hell,,,, you want to mourn,,, but you have no choice but to take and accept the decision

my dear mentor

i got home earlier than the usual but the same working hours ... i worked for 13 hours today. my toes are aching and my legs are tired..  my journey to this new position is absolutely challenging, in most days i would be horrible being labelled as the dragon lady... yes i do take my accountability seriously but just recently my mentor died. i feel devastated and disappointed...


so it has been rough in the last couple of days...  from that time i saw him on coma he has never left my mind, daily i would recall how he has treated me well as part of his training team.. he would make insulting jokes but i never get offended... he was very graceful in delivering hurtful words that you might find funny because you know he dont mean it.. he would compliment me with my nice bags... well, i couldnt blame him because until his last breath he didnt reveal his true sexuality... seeing him laying in the ICU bed tore my heart into bits and pieces,, i cried and talked to him silently and hoping he would wake up evenif i know that he wont. that night i dreamt of him, he talked to me in my dreams saying all is gonna be fine... i told him how i am happy to have known him and loved him as my director for training...

with that incident i learned one thing, life is really too short... no matter how great you are in the system ,,, once you died all that left are memories..  live life, enjoy life and love life... i miss you